 
by Shawn Bean
While washing himself one day in his wooden barrel, Baron Von Porno had a vision of beautiful women strewn about the Internet, free for masculine consumption. So Von Porno, wielding his hatchet and sewing needle, created online pornography by candlelight. The townspeople were frightened at first, but then after hearing his plea, they were even more frightened and burned him at the stake. His wife, fearing for their only childs life, put him in a basket made of reeds and sent him down the river. That babys name was John Holmes...
It would be interesting to think that thats how online porn got to our desktops, but that ain't so. Heres the real 411: In 1990, Tim Bernees-Lee developed the first Web browser, which finally invited the World Wide Web to the big dance and made it popular. Then, in 1993, Jerry Yang and David Filo created Yahoo!, the first web browser, allowing users to search the World Wide Web for new and interesting content. And from that happy fuzzy Gizmo grew a Gremlin, online pornography, which subsequently became the heavyweight champion of huge online audiences. And with that audience came millions of credit card numbers with millions of dollars.
Online porn has, in one form, alienated men from attempting to cross the bridge of flesh and blood. Men replacing the real thing with a boob job full of megabytes. Are men really getting what they pay for? Can we justify this expense, like we did with the four-in-one BBQ spatula? Our crack team of Guyville.com researchers have analyzed the cost of the below-listed pornographic web sites and created strategic plans of how a man could use the money more effectively on analog women as opposed to digital women.
Let's say you're a man looking for a woman in politics with a nice addendum and a big pair of ipso factos. You could go to the White House (but not that White House, well, actually maybe that White House). It's WhiteHouse.com, the farcical yet oh so naughty web site that includes such entertainment as "raw teens," "first ladies" and "interns of the month." And you can be assured that your lady is legitimate political fare, as the page greets you with red, white and blue text declaring "As seen on ABC News, CNN, MSNBC, Dateline and Newsweek." Now this sounds very good to you, eh? Wait, this site costs $19.95 a month or $49.95 for three months. The Guyville.com researchers say that the $50 could be better spent on:
- Red Lobster buffet for two - $24.90
- Membership to Democratic National Committee - free with donation (must be U.S. citizen or permanent resident alien)
- TamBeret brand black beret - $24
As you can see, one can do a lot with fifty bucks, just not a lot that's cool. You're a man looking for stability. You're ready to settle down, start a family and maybe watch your wife dress up like a corporate woman or school girl and take naked pictures of herself. Well then, may I introduce Sandie, the proprietor of the web site, Sandie's HornyTimes. Sandie is a housewife who exposes herself to her site's members and their members. She's also great at accessorising. As she quotes on the site, "I have many variations to my schoolgirl uniform. Be it white socks, knee-high socks, cable-knit socks, black stockings, pleated skirts, patterned skirts, brown tights, ankle socks, pinafores, cardigans, training shoes..." But paradise will have to wait, sonny, cause this gem will cost you $19.95 per month. This total is tough to beat, as you can see by the relative plan put together by the Guyville.com team:
- Cost of marriage certificate - $50
- Kodak disposable camera - $13
- Knee high socks from K-mart - $6
Tired of dealing with immature women? Want a sexy lady who knows household remedies for scarlet fever and cholera? How about pillow talk filled with touching stories of Stalin, followed by a hearty meal of boiled potatoes. Then get on the love boat - next stop: Ellis Island. That's right. Retro Beauties - the web site dedicated to pornographic pictures of Russian women from the 1920's. Along with a catalog of thumbnails showing naked women draped across velvet couches and ivy, it includes email, a visitor's guestbook and strangely enough 3-D nudy pictures. The truly tantalizing part of this site is its retro price, $9.95 a month. Virtually impossible to beat, the Guyville.com team crunched the numbers and came up with this strategic plan:
- Tour of Newbury Retirement Community, Massachusetts - free
- Paperback copy of "Rise and Fall of Communist Revolution" - $22.95
- Gillette Daisy Plus Disposable Razor (three pack) - $4
If you're a man who wants nothing to do with the Guyville.com Global Strategic Pornographic Solutions' effort, you can check out Men Against Pornography
online. Over 1.9 million users have checked it out to date. Hear from men who face their porn addiction, like this man who states "I want the peace to touch
myself and bring myself to orgasm and recognize its for me and a damn fine activity indeed." After carefully analyzing this man's manifesto, the Guyville.com
researchers thought it was a good time to take five.
In short, gentlemen, spend, but spend wisely. Online pornography is like McDonald's. It's heaven paved with golden streets and a Porsche Boxster to lay patch marks. But afterward, you feel haunted. Because once you purchase something with a credit card, it's on the record, and lawyers love saying "for the record"
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