Contraception dates back to times when life was simpler. People bowed down to cattle and fine entertainment included the beating of children. Early human contraception dates back to 1550 BC. One contraceptive recipe from that era recorded on papyrus advises women to grind dates together with acacia (tree bark), a touch of honey and dip seed wool. Mix together and serve cold straight up into the vulva. Acacia is known to ferment into lactic acid, which science has regarded as a spermicide. 4,000 years ago in China, women drank mercury to prevent pregnancy. Little did they know that mercury's side effects not only included violent brain hemorrhages and death, but also bad breath. Ancient women in Constantinople dipped sea sponges in lemon juice before inserting them into their vagina for protection. Other ancient ingredients for vaginal suppositories include dried fish, cow manure, cotton and glass. Reports indicate that these ingredients, when chemically reacting with the body, can change pH levels and thus act as a spermicide. As the global Swatch continued to tick, improvement in contraception seemed catatonic. The Victorian Era tested its wits and produced the block pessary. It was a square block of wood carved into a shape similar to a doorstop. Though endorsed by the Victorians, it wasn't eliminated until 1930, when it was condemned as a "instrument of torture."

Though men tend to know everything, one thing they don't know everything about is contraception. In the man's world, women take the pill every day for months while we complain about how condoms make us lose sensitivity and induce unwanted pubic hair removal. But in the real world, there are dozens of different contraceptive choices for women. Some approved by the Surgeon General, some not so approved. Here are a few of the no-so-fresh-feeling ways women keep those pesky squirmy-tailed bastards out:

• IUD - Stands for intrauterine device. Basically it is small plastic device that is inserted into the woman's uterus via her vagina and left in permanently. It acts as a small scrubber that keeps the ovum from attaching to the uterine walls, which directly leads to pregnancy. IUDs are mostly made of copper and plastic. In its earliest forms, Arab camel traders placed rocks in their camels' uteruses to prevent them from becoming pregnant on the way to market. It was later found that these same Arab camel traders invented Beta Max.
  
  
• Plants - Chlorophyll has never been this sexy. Plants have been used for birth control and abortives for centuries as an alternative to surgical abortions. The plant silphium was being used as far back as 370 BC In the late 1980s, the plant Queen Anne's Lace was found to inhibit fetal and ovarian growth. A teaspoon of Queen Anne's Lace seeds mixed with a glass of water is still being used as a morning after contraceptive. Other herbs are used as bleeding stimulators and uterine contraction stimulators. They are also fairly potent and possibly poisonous. Women report an array of side effects including dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, profuse sweating and blurred vision. According to scientific study, the success rate of herbal abortions is roughly 20%.
  
  
• Norplant - This form of contraception, also known as levonorgestrel implants, have only been around for the past few years. It is a small set of plastic sticks that are implanted in the arm. It produces progesterone, which eliminates the effects of estrogen such as irritability, weight gain headaches, cramps and hot flashes. It should also be noted that since the arrival of Norplant, the percentage of men that believe in an all-loving forgiving God has skyrocketed. Norplant does have a very high success rate (slightly above 99.7%), but also comes with side effects such as discomfort when the sticks shift, depression, fatigue and lowered sex drive. Once these statistics were uncovered, it was found that the percentage of men that believe in an all-loving forgiving God considerably declined.
  
  
• The Rhythm Method - The only form of contraception endorsed by the Catholic Church. This form requires extreme diligence and detail (so I've lost you already). This contraceptive method requires the woman to frequently take her temperature ands watch for changes in the mucus production in the vagina. This helps determine when the woman is ovulating and when the egg has died. This process requires mass effort, as the temperature change can be as slight as half a degree. The success rate of the Rhythm Method lies somewhere between 85-99%.

So guys, consider yourselves lucky. The denouement of our complaints ends swiftly with condoms. Women have had to suffer through contraceptive experimentation through thousands of years. From wood blocks to cow shit to thermometers in the ass. So be sympathetic and thoughtful to your significant other, because I've seen a vasectomy on late night cable, and hell hath no fury like a testicle scorned.