And fibbing was included when we encountered our first neighbors. "Don't worry, my Indian friends, we can share this land. Please pass the cranberry sauce."

The centuries marched on and many staples of our culture have given way to new outgrowth. Simplicity to industry. Pony Express to Instant Messenger. Porn to Viagra. While we managed to be rid of polio, scarlet fever and prohibition, we have held on tight to the almighty lie. It is fair to say that men have told many of the lies that reverberate through our city streets and minds today. Remember "read my lips...?" How about O.J. standing firm in that LA courtroom saying, "100% not guilty, your honor." And the daddy of them all: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. These allegations are false." The genesis, derivation and purpose of this hypothesis are based on one simple truth: Men can't lie their way out of a paper bag. This is doubly true when it comes to telling untruths to your girlfriend or wife.

First, let's understand the psychology of the lie. Charles V. Ford, M.D., author of Lies!Lies!!Lies!!!, maintains that lies can be attributed to multiple factors including a dysfunctional family unit, frequent association with substance abuse, and/or personality disorders particularly of the sociopathic and narcissistic types. Habitual liars are associated with impulse control disorders such as gambling, kleptomania and compulsive shopping. Dr. Ford also writes that low self- esteem plays a major role in a habitual liar's life. The deceit can have a very aggressive quality to it, such as misguiding another as to take advantage of a situation. To those not receiving happy little pills to abstain from fibbing, most lies are used to avoid punishment or confrontation, to cover up an embarrassing lack of knowledge or simply to entertain oneself or others (i.e. "So I'm talking to Winona, and she says to me·.").

There is a human side to all of this riff raff. The bottom line is people, mostly women, are being affected by our bolts-in-the-neck approach to smoothing over our closet's skeletons. Brandy, an assistant at a publishing company, recalls "My boyfriend and I were on the brink of breaking up so we decided to meet to talk about everything. We were supposed to meet at 5:00...he doesn't show up until 9:00. So I say, 'Where the hell have you been?' and he says, 'Oh...just walking around the mall...thinking about us...trying to figure things out.' He even had tears in his eyes. I found out later that he came from his new girl's house to meet me."

Nicole, who works in Internet advertising, says "My boyfriend was cheating on me. I knew he was. I consistently asked him if he was, but he denied it. It got to the point where he wouldn't kiss me in front of certain girls and would flirt with this one girl in front of me. Weeks later we go to a bar, and he gets drunk and starts dancing with this girl, hanging all over her. I got pissed, so he tells me, 'It's not a big deal, Nicole. I've been cheating behind your back for months. I guess now I can do it in front of you!' The next day he didn't even remember saying it."

Through this research, certain tactics for a better success rate for men have begun to surface. So here now are the Five Commandments in Fibbery:

• Eye contact - Numero Uno. Keep those eyeballs front and center when spreading on that bull, private. Though you'll feel like a dog for it (see 'boldface lie'), no one tells the truth looking at the ground.
  
  
• Keep it short - Brief untruths don't trade for much on the market, but they've saved lives. Men have a tendency to Supersize their stories when lying. Quick, nonchalant tales of no-woe are they way to go. If you catch yourself saying "and then...", you're already sleeping with the fishes.
  
  
• Don't talk drunk - Liquor is Moses posed as a frat guy. He adrenalizes your spirit and leads you to the Promised Land, but you somehow end up naked covered in beer and shaving cream on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Hear me now, my people: Deep dialogue and booze don't mix.
  
  
• Avoid using names - Say this to yourself 300 times: "Faceless lies are good." Although this is a tough one to pull off, it should be your principle strategic maneuver when under heavy fire...especially from women. Your boss is a crusty old man? Break out the scotch, you've closed the deal.
  
  
• Make it sound like it was for their benefit - If you need to cover up a no-show, use this gem. People are inherently selfish, and will therefore be naturally distracted and intrigued when hearing there may be a goodie for them down the road. When a woman asks, "Where were you?" try using "It's a surprise."

Thou shalt not lie. It works in theory, but then again, so does communism. Bill Clinton is still in office. George Bush has a son running for president. O.J. is getting dates. Right now the skeptics are running wild, picket signs held high, wondering what happened to the truth. Well, the truth is here. It's alive, well and taking its vitamins. But we are human. Sometimes we fall down. Sometimes we end up with a stripper in our lap on our mom's birthday. But somehow, someway, we gotta get back up.