Now stop right there·

But why? What's wrong with this picture? No, this isn't where the "priceless" text pops up over the scene or where you start wondering if your diarrhea will come back. The truth is that this scene faces a slew of health risks. The bachelor pad is a nesting ground for some unbelievable hazards caused by our mere ignorance. "How to Stay Young and Healthy In A Toxic World" by Ann Louise Gittleman M.S., C.N.S. serves as our boy scout survival guide on how to recognize the insidious crap in your pad, but it won't teach you how to turn your beer cans into a floating device. Let's break down the toxic crib one crusty plate at a time.

• The bathroom: If Passover had been a holiday created by bachelors, it would have taken place in the bathroom. It is unquestionably the most disregarded place in a man's dwelling. And with disregard· comes mildew. For people with weak immune systems, mold and mildew are the leading cause of environmental illness. Mold and mildew can be found in bathtubs, clothes, even toothbrushes. If your thinking of masking the problem with aerosol spray, put the can down and take three steps backwards. Toxins found in aerosol sprays can cause lung damage, liver and kidney damage and have harmful effects on the respiratory and nervous systems. Damn, and you thought that sea shell plugged in the electric socket would impress the ladies.
• Food: Bad pizza, or bad food for that matter, can impair us worse than any other element in a man's apartment. Raw, undercooked and rotten food are known to house parasites. Gittleman states ingesting parasites can cause a laundry list of physical dilemmas such as (deep breath): joint and muscle discomfort, constipation, diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome(I'm sure you can figure it out), allergic reactions, sleep deprivation, anemia (when a parasite attaches itself to the human host's intestine and lives off its blood) and granulomas (hardened knots of tissue made up of dead parasite larvae that rest in the rectum and colon). And in case you missed your local YMCA's seminar "Ow Ow The Pain The Pain," here are the real pissers of eating bad food. The first is botulism, which is considered the most potent poison in the world. This toxin-producing bacteria hurts the nervous system, leaving victims to expel all fluids, both orally and rectally, until he/she dies or becomes paralyzed. Botulism is most commonly found in dented canned goods, which may explain that funny taste in the Spaghetti-Os. The second is rectal prolapse, caused by parasites in undercooked food. Pin worms collect in the rectum until the body reflex expels it. The only way a doctor can combat this dilemma is by picking out the worms himself. Did somebody say wrath of God?

  Those suffering from parasites have some hope. Gittleman has created a diet that includes foods that weaken parasites. Some foods in the diet include blackberries, papaya juice, onions, sauerkraut and almonds. If all else fails, buy some rum and make yourself an umbrella drink.

• Pets: Yeah, Butch is a nice dog, but he eats crap, garbage and licks other dogs' asses. So, without breaking this brainbuster down with a complicated exponential formula, the sum is dogs are filthy, as are most pets. Gittleman states that of the 240 infectious diseases that humans catch from animals, 65 are transmitted by dogs and 39 by cats. Add on that that 90% of cat owners say their cat sleeps in bed with them.
• Lighting: This pertains mostly to those who spend too much time in the office or are still trying to beat The Legend of Zelda. Getting the proper amount of sunlight isn't just for Hawaiian Tropic girls anymore. Gittleman says that proper exposure to sunlight can improve vision, reduce stress and hyperactivity, reduce symptoms of PMS and regulate hormones (funny those two ended up together). So you pretty much knew that? Did you pretty much know that lack of natural light can cause Seasonal Affective Disorder, a form of depression that is caused by lack of natural light during the fall. Symptoms include fatigue, decreased energy, concentration difficulties, low sex drive and avoidance of social interaction.12 million suffer from SAD in the United States alone.

Now the next time your grandfather leans over to tell you, "Boy, I've got my demons," you'll know what he means. Just think of what they didn't know 50 years ago, when people were probably licking led pipes just to get the garlic off their breath. We are now better informed members of this fateful earth, so show it some respect. Gangstas and AIDS aren't the only things that can ruin your day. And show your pad some love, because as you know now, even the canned goods have ears.