Rating: ** Stars

Stephen King's book IT, fine as it was, began a silly, silly trend in horror flicks. That book, which played on childhood fears of clowns to maximum effect, has in turn caused horror movies to begin looking for other childhood-related characters which might be scary. From that we have the likes of movies like JACK FROST, about a killer snowman. To that film's credit, it realized how silly its concept was. But let's face it, clowns can be scary, snowmen are not. Also, in order for a clown to be scary, it has to be portrayed properly, and the creators of most of these horror movies are no Stephen King. Now comes another one, ICE CREAM MAN. How many of us were ever scared of our ice cream man? Usually, the ice cream man was some seventeen-year-old wastoid looking for extra cash to buy his stash. Scary to parents, maybe, but not to kids. Nevertheless, ICE CREAM MAN tries its darndest to be scary, and fails miserably. If it weren't for the amusement of seeing so many has-been actors in one film, along with some funny "shock" effects, there wouldn't be much to this movie. But never underestimate the mileage you can get by sticking a lot of has-been actors in one movie!

Now to the plot. The movie begins with an extremely short expository segment featuring a drive-by shooting of an ice-cream man in front of the movie's villain, Gregory, when he was a kid. Done, now, flash ahead thirty or so years. We are then introduced to a group of four silly kids who refer to each other as "Rocketeers!" Woo-hoo! Boy, I haven't been this excited since the Mickey Mouse Club featured Jennifer Love Hewitt! Anyways, each of these kids is having some problems with his/her family. For instance, one girl's fanatical minister father, played by David Warner of THE OMEN and TITANIC fame, likes to communicate to the Archangel Gabriel through the girl's mother. Riiiiight. Then there is another kid who's dad, David Naughton, a.k.a, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, is cheating on his mom with the town slut. Have you noticed a trend here? The has-been actor trend? Well, this movie is filled with them.But, to the main point, there is a creepy ice cream man in town who manages to act freaky while serving ice cream. My question is, someone must have caught on that this guy was weird long ago, and yet he seems to have been the ice cream man for awhile. Why be a stickler for detail, huh? Early on, this ice cream man, played by Clint Howard (brother to Ron), sees a man in the park using the sharp end of a stick to pick up trash. It flashes him back to the time he spent in a sanitorium when the nice doctors would stick big needles into his screwed-up head. You will get many a silly flashback to the time spent in this sanitorium. Anyways, that's the end of the park cleaner, and a couple kids disappear as well. This disappearance leads to yet another fine performance by a has-been actor: two cops start investigating, and one of them is Jan Michael Vincent. That's right, AIRWOLF! Wow, this film is setting a record for appearances by has-been actors. I guess that rent check was due, hey guys?

The crazy ice cream man keeps the body parts of his victims in his truck and in one scene, serves one of the cops two scoops of vanilla with an eyeball in it. Yummy! Why is Gregory so crazy? Well, it turns out that the guy he saw murdered in the opening scene was his good friend, "The Ice Cream King." What a shame. Oh, did I just ruin the big surprise? I think you'll manage. Of course, the kids figure out what's happening early on and try to convince the cops. The "Rocketeers" take matters in their own hands, and don't entirely succeed (another one gets kidnapped by the ice cream man). All of this is basically wasted time while the ice cream man kills more people, and serves their heads on extremely oversized ice cream cones. Actually, it's all wasted time.

The big mistake of ICE CREAM MAN is that we do not rent R-rated shlock horror movies to spend so much time with little kids. We want to see adults, adults getting killed, adults taking showers, adults cheating on their wives, etc. But, do we want to see the "Rocketeers"? Only kids would want to spend time with annoying little kids, and kids shouldn't be watching this movie. The best B-horror movies know its audience, this film does not. It overestimates the patience of the audience to wait for the killings while the "Rocketeers" convene. As for the killings, there really aren't that many anyway! And for some reason, when they do happen, they are not that entertaining. Maybe knowing it's little Opie's brother doing the killing is the reason why.

So why watch ICE CREAM MAN? The has-been actors! One of the major characters is even the son of Lee Majors! The has-been offspring are involved with this flick too. There is even a good cameo or two. My favorite came during a scene at a supermarket in which the ice cream man chases one of the kids. He bumps into a woman who asks for advice about lipstick. It's porn actress Tori Welles! Um, er, at least that's what I've been told. There are also a couple of other funny details. My personal favorite detail has to do with one of the cops, who every time he talks to the ice cream man doesn't call him by his name, but calls him ice cream man! "Do you know anything about these murders, Ice Cream Man?" "We're looking for some missing kids, Ice Cream Man." He he he, that's funny. I wonder if they knew it.

All being said and done, don't waste your time with ICE CREAM MAN. However, if it's on late night cable or something, check it out once and awhile to catch these actors...it's has-been heaven! Rating: ** stars