Rating: PURE DUNG, No stars
Oh man, what a stinker this one is. My friend Rob and I were attracted to this film in the video store for two reasons: 1) It has a really really cool cover and 2) it is supposedly based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft. Well, don't let either fool you the way we were fooled, this film is the definition of shoddy.
O.K., so here's the story (and what a lame one it is). The film begins in the 17th-Century in a New England home. Here, some woman has apparently given birth to a monstrosity of evil, which then proceeds to kill everyone in the house and is basically trapped there for all time, or something weak like that.
Enter the 20th Century...we meet two college guys, one a geeky nerdy type and the other a haughty, brainy dude who is really about 40 and tries to speak in an English accent (remember, folks, he's a college student). Anyways, they find the house one day and amazingly, it seems as if these are the first two people ever to come across this rather large house in three-hundred years. Hmmm... Anyways, they read stories about its evil past and blah blah blah.
Back on campus, two naive idiot freshman women are sitting around deciding how to become popular. Before you know it, two Republican guys wearing their sweaters drooped around their shoulders come over and try an extraordinarily original pick-up line on the women: "Hey, babes, we're the college's official welcoming committee and for initiation you have to spend the night with us in a haunted house." Somebody beat the crap out of these women for falling for it.
As you might guess, the four preppy tools end up spending the night in the house...the very same night the two geeky tools examine the house. Of course, they run into the monster, the thing, well I don't know what to call it because it is the UNNAMABLE. How poor. How poor. After long drawn out scenes of them walking around in the dark (always a smart idea in horror movies, right?) there's a bit of violence and it all culminates in a weak special effects fest which I could of done with ten bucks and some play-dough.
People, whatever you do, don't rent THE UNNAMABLE. A piss-poor saga of lameness, this movie is both bad AND unenjoyable, which is a deadly combination. Perhaps the most illuminating aspect of how low-budget this film is might be the fact that there are hardly any other college students during the campus scenes. In fact, there really isn't much of a campus, so it might have been filmed anywhere. Featuring dialogue which is less witty than something Bob Dole would say, terrible special effects, and basically little action, I'd choose that root canal over the UNNAMABLE. Rating: PURE DUNG.
